1. She never expected to feel like this.
She thought she would feel more guilt, but if she is being honest with herself, she feels strangely excited. The music, the lights, the atmosphere, it was easy to become distracted by it all, to forget about everything else but the beat of the music. She thought everyone would be staring at her, wondering what a girl like her was doing in a place like this. She had forgotten that here, anything goes. noone really cares what you are wearing or who you are. you can become whoever you want for the night.
when Sarah had invited her to the party, Hanna had said no at first.
“it’s not the sort of atmosphere i want to be in. you know, with the drinking and stuff”
but Sarah had insisted. “not everyone will be drinking. i’m driving for a start.Just come! you’ll have fun when you get there. what harm can it do?”
what harm can it do?
Now Hanna is becoming immersed in the music. in the back of her mind she is thinking how late it is, that she should go home, but she doesn’t want to. she is having too much fun. someone hands her a drink.what’s his name? it’s too loud too hear. she takes a sip. it tastes funny, but the dancing has made her thirsty.
she is dancing with him now, he twirls her round and round. and round. he slips off her cardigan and the cool breeze feels refreshing on her arms. he leads her away from the crowd. she follows him listlessly. she is starting to feel a little dizzy. she grabs his hand.
then, from the corner of her eye, she catches sight of her reflection. her cheeks are flushed and her clothes are disheveled. she has taken her cardigan off. when did she do that? a few strands of hair are falling across her face. her hijaab looks odd, like it belongs on someone else. she feels tempted to take it off.
and then a strange kind of sadness, almost like despair, because she has never had that thought before.
“come on, let’s get out of here.”
But she has already moved away from him. he looks hazy, as though he is part of a dream she is already forgetting.
she walks away, not quite believing what she almost did.
Almost.
2. what must they think of me? Sarah thinks to herself as she passes by the group of girls. their conversation stops dead as she walks past. she tries to smile at them with her eyes. they look back at her, their expressions blank, some sympathetic, most hostile. Among them is an acquaintance, Aliyah, who gives her a sort of half smile.
she crosses the street to avoid brushing past Hashim, but he doesn’t even notice her. there are better things on show.
“She must hate dressing like that,” Christine observes, referring to Sarah’s long loose abayah.
“why would she?” Aliyah musters the courage to say.
“well come on, who wants to dress in a bin liner? Maybe i should donate some of my old clothes?” Christine laughs, running her hands over her denim shorts.
a few sniggers, but Aaliyah doesn’t join in. she ventures a question, “but who’s it for? all the lovely clothes?”
“me of course” Christine answers, sure of herself.
“you know, Sarah has pleny of nice clothes” Aaliya points out. “She was wearing the most lovely dress when i went over last weekend.”
“what’s the point in doing it in your own house? who’d notice?”
“i thought you said you did it for you..”
but Christine isn’t listening anymore. she has noticed Hashim looking their way. she smiles at him, moves to the side to show off her best angle.
and Hashim? He is looking past her at Aaliyah, who is not enjoying the attention so much. she looks down at her skin tight jeans, feeling suddenly uncomfortable in her choice of outfit.
she is thinking: am i not worth more than the sum of my body parts?
3. “i am worth more than the sum of my body parts”
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hema's sphere 