hema’s sphere

hypothetical situations

Posted by hema on August 13, 2007

1. you have an 11 year old daughter who is about to start high school. you think it would be a good time for her to start wearing hijaab, but don’t want to push her into it. however, you know how difficult it is to switch to wearing the hijaab half way through, and don’t want her to have to go through that. you have considered sending her to an Islamic School, especially as the local high school is known to be quite rough, but cannot afford it. none of your daughter’s friends wear hijaab and you have never brought it up before. how do you approach the situation with her?

2. a new girl has joined the Islamic studies circle you attend. she has different views to you with regard to some issues. you see her teaching some of the younger girls how to pray. you do not agree with some of the things she is teaching, and the girls have been taught a different way. do you intervene and risk causing resentment and possible disunity, or do you accept that different people have different views and it is better to focus on what you have in common?

3. your parents have suggested a rishta to you. the guy is nice enough. he has a steady job and a very caring personality. however, your mind is set on somebody else, although there is only a slight possibility it will work out. do you carry on chasing a dream or go with the safer option?

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20 Responses to “hypothetical situations”

  1. Conflictedworld said

    1. I would discuss the issue with her and the importance of wearing a hijaab. If she refuses at first try to encourage it but not enforce it and do dua to allah (swt). If she has issues at school then again we have to tell our children about the struggles our sabahas went through to bring us islam.

    2. It all depends on which opinion a person follows, if you a disagree with something that is totally haram then you should say something but it if it is minor differences then we should accept the differences and not make a big deal about it.

    3. This hmm sounds all too familiar. Well the first thing would be to do Istikharah. If both have good characters then it will be hard but I think sometimes we get ourselves in situation before thinking about it. I think for me personally I would go for the one who is better for my hereafter.Even if it isnt the easiest option.

  2. Sumera said

    1) Would’ve started her on hijaab ages ago instead of expecting her to adorn it the moment puberty hits. If she doesnt wear it, then leave her as she is and perhaps reach some kind of compromise (such as wearing after school) and over-time she may start wearing it to school.

    2) Would depend on what she was teaching and how “wrong” it was.

    3) Bring up the boy that you like with your parents and see how that goes. Meanwhile this other one can wait – if he can’t wait, then his loss.

  3. hema said

    conflicted world- “but I think sometimes we get ourselves in situation before thinking about it” indeed.

    “it if it is minor differences then we should accept the differences and not make a big deal about it”
    but how do you decide whether it is a minor difference or not?

    sumera-“Would’ve started her on hijaab ages ago instead of expecting her to adorn it the moment puberty hits”
    i know that would be the sensible option, but sometimes mothers just like to dress their child in pretty little outfits with matching ribbons, and it comes as a hige shock to realise their little girl has grown up all of a sudden!
    pkus, how do you know when the child should start wearing it to ‘practice’. at 6? 4? 2???

  4. Shahrzad said

    1. For the girl, would be good if her mom starts to talk about hijab when she was younger. Then at 11, her mind is already ready to accept it.

    2.I let the girl to be free and teach those girls. Not bcs of focusing on my job and life, but i think it is better the girls be familiar with different issues and views. It helps them in their life. If their family be against that idea, most of them will turn to their parents. But for they learnt about other views, they can have tolerance about difference ideas.Anyway how i know i am really right and the girl is really wrong? (my idea)

    3. I never marry bcs of safer situation. If i cant choose and take a decision, so i am not ready for marriage. I try to know more about married life, its problems, men and experiance of others. When i am ready i frankly can decide which one of them is good and i choose. For i know what i want from my life!

  5. mcpagal said

    I have no idea for 2 or 3, but for 1 I’d do what my mum did with me – have the girl ‘practice’ in the summer before high school so that it’s done gradually. Make it like a sign of maturity. And make sure she has older role models who wear hijab (I had my sisters).

  6. Sumera said

    Well I’ve seen 5 year old girls with hijaab on so it can be started from there if one wants. Most of them wear it to imitate their mothers, but since they become accustomed to wearing it when they do hit puberty its not seen as something “hard to do”. Personally though I’d probably dress her up in wee frocks and the like til about the age of 7 or 8, after which i’d merge in other clothing and the hijaab, and alternate every now and then.

    If she didnt want to wear it even after puberty, I wouldnt force her just as it wasnt forced upon me. Dont want her to end up hating it.

  7. 1 – well number one that should have been done since childhood slowly encouraged , but sinc your in that situation you need to tell her the importance of hijab , but not enforce it she needs to wear it for allah .

    2-well I would speak to the girl and ask her were is she getting her knowledge from ? what is her evidence ? and I will check were i am getting my knowledge from then I would have a discussion with her to come to a conclusion

    3 – I would make istakhara on that one and ask allah if he is good for me make it happen if he isnt then let him out of my life as quick as he walked in 🙂

  8. samia said

    1. since im not a hijabi and my mother neither i cant really compare to my own experiences as i have none. but i remember a kurdish girl i went to school with, when we were at the age of 11-12 she got to decide herself about the hijab and she chose not to wear it. i remember how glad she was that her parents wouldn’t “pressure” her to do it and i see now that she is covered. and i am truely happy that she was given the freedom to chose herself, so that it would be from a pure wish and heart. tho if i wanted my daughter to wear the hijab i would try my best from an early age tell her about the importance and why it would be better, but again leave the choice to her. And maybe its just me, but i dont really like it when girls too young (like 4,5,6 years old) are covered, i think at this age they should still just be children and not have to worrie about such stuff, only slowly start to learn a bit… besides if they pray they will learn the purity of hijab through prayers and also get a bit familiar with it.

    2. i dont really know… if it kept borthering me i would adress the issue at hand and talk to her.

    3. i would OFCOURSE :o) choose the one i love, even with the risk of “something” going wrong (but then again, you know im a romantic fool and wont settle for anything but true love) im not in the situation with parents who wants to “fix” me up, although my father did suggest to find an algerian several times-lol!! – but i could never marry a “good match” to please others, despite how good he might be for me and my hereafter. ONLY love and that is not always the easy option i should say :o)

  9. hema said

    thanks so much for your input everyone. you have helped me and hopefully some others with these ‘hypotheticals’.

    with situation one, the message i’m getting is that it is best to encourage the child to want to wear it from a young age, but ultimately the choice is hers. i think i’m inclined to agree with this, as i have seen so many times that people end up hating the hijaab if they are made to wear it. but the thing which is troubling me is that the parents will be held accountable too if they are not fulfilling their duties.

    situation 2- i delibrately left the situation vague because i didn’t want it to turn into a debate about the actual issue! i’ve seen people argue over issues so many times, and it always saddens me. it’s obvious that they are not going to agree, so i don’t see the point in causing bad feelings, especially in public. i think the problem with this one is that there are young girls involved, but the best thing to do is try and reslove it privately instead of letting it dominate the class.

    number three is a tricky one. on the one hand, it might be better to go with the option which is most likely to happen. it’s the practical thing to o. but on the other hand, if she does that then she might always be left wondering, which is never good.if nothing else, she will get it out of her system. i think the best thing, as confusesaboutlife suggested, is to pray istikhaara. nobody else can really make the decision for you

  10. NATASHAAMINA said

    Hm… I don’t know…I think it’s important for a girl to have a period without a veil.However,it’s also important to make her know that during the time of puberty she might want to get covered.I’d make her know that by stories where there’re pictures of young girls in veil…or just by wearing it myself.But,as I said it’s important that she also has a period without a veil…a veil is a protection as well,she has to know how to protect herself also without the veil.

  11. Snowdrops said

    1. I believe talking to her is the best. Afterall, we shouldn’t force one’s religion right? So we cannot force her to wear the hijaab. She also needs to get her intentions right. Therefore, talking to her and giving her a good understanding is the best.

    2. Talk to that girl in private. Perhaps that will clear faults that righter of you may have? You could provide daleel for the different ways of prayer. And even then if there’s disagreement, then we ought to let it be. Nah?

    3. Quite a tough situation. But I believe that you should try to get to the person your mind’sset to through halaal means. If that’s not possible, then try and get to know the new person better. You never know how he’ll turn out to be. 🙂

  12. Good Hope said

    I think , before marrying a person you should do Istikhara prayer. Then you will get some hints from Allah . For further information,
    please check this link.

    #################
    http://islam.about.com/blistikhara.htm
    #################

    Regarding hijab and other Islamic things, you should instill deep love for Islam in your daughter’s heart. Then she will feel joy in hijab and other Islamic activities. For further explanation, please visit the following links.

    ################
    http://www.themodernreligion.com/ugly/both-eyes.html
    http://ummlayth.muslimpad.com/2007/06/04/advice-on-raising-children/
    ###############
    Actually , Islamic parenting is an art. You have to be very artful as well as patient. An example of this art is given below.

    ########################
    http://qisas.com/stories/155

    The following incident took place when Muhammad Ali’s daughters arrived at his home wearing clothes that were not modest. Here is the story as told by one of his daughters:

    When we finally arrived, the chauffer escorted my younger sister,
    Laila, and me up to my father’s suite. As usual, he was hiding behind the door waiting to scare us. We exchanged many hugs and kisses as we could possibly give in one day.

    My father took a good look at us. Then he sat me down on his lap and said something that I will never forget. He looked me straight in the eyes and said, “Hana, everything that God made valuable in the world is covered and hard to get to. Where do you find diamonds? Deep down in the ground, covered and protected. Where do you find pearls? Deep down at the bottom of the ocean, covered up and protected in a beautiful shell. Where do you find gold? Way down in the mine, covered over with layers and layers of rock. You’ve got to work hard to get to them.”

    He looked at me with serious eyes. “Your body is sacred. You’re far more precious than diamonds and pearls, and you should be covered too.”

    Source: Taken from the book: More Than A Hero: Muhammad Ali’s Life Lessons Through His Daughter’s Eyes.

    #####################

    Regarding your second scenario, the solution depends on how important those issues are. If those issues are related to the basic tenets of Islam , then the approach to solve the problem will be of one kind. If the issues are of secondary importance , the solution will be of another kind.
    So , you should talk to a reliable Islamic scholar ( not hired or paid reformers ) about those issues and follow his advice. One source of such good scholars is here ( http://islam.tc/ask-imam/index.php ).

  13. hema said

    thanks so much for these links, i saved the AH Murad one
    i’ve heard the pearl analogy before, it’s a good one!

  14. Lynn said

    I don’t believe that any of Muhammed Ali’s daughters cover today. His life is not a good example for modesty and chastity or fidelity.

  15. Shahrzad said

    May somebody tell me who is Muhammad Ali?!

  16. Shahrzad said

    Ah i remembered. He is not that famous Boxer who got muslim later?

  17. Lynn said

    Yes, that is who he is. One of his daughters is now following in his footsteps and boxing as well.

  18. C said

    Hi,

    I stumbled on your blog and read this entry. For situation #1 – I am Christian married to a Muslim man. I have Muslim (female) friends and am acquainted with some through my husband. What I have seen as an observer is that many parents who pressure their daughters to wear hijab find later that their daughts have not come to accepted the modesty and values that it represents. Some of the daughters wear the hijab simply for covering and act against it’s principles. Just an observation.

    Your blog is terrific. Glad I stopped by.

  19. hema said

    thanks for stopping by and for the observation.
    “Some of the daughters wear the hijab simply for covering and act against it’s principles”
    i know exaclty what you mean. i see it everyday at work and it’s the saddest thing.
    with this situation, i just let it be. really it had nothign to do with me, and i think people have to come to their own realisations. maybe, if it was my own daughter i would feel differently, but i’ll deal with that if/when if it comes to it.

    lynn- if you’re still reading- i wasn’t ignoring you on purpose. i just had no idea what you were trying to say!

  20. Advancerx said

    Advancerx

    Advancerx

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